The Sun and the Moon Are Inside Me

I had taken a break from work and gone home to meditate.

It was early 2019. I had a super flexible job at the time, and I’d started working with an occult teacher to try and open myself up further. I wanted to do clairvoyant or psychic readings for people.

I had just come back from a whirlwind trip to Sri Lanka and India full of amazing experiences. A blog for another day, no doubt.

I had just finished an hour of meditation in my room.

Nothing fancy, just sitting silently.

No desire for anything. Not wanting anything. Not doing anything.

If thoughts arose, so be it. That was my practice.

I felt good.

And nothing happened. Just... nothing.

Fantastic.

For context, I wear contacts and glasses. My eyesight is terrible.

When I was about 12 or 13, an optometrist told me it was the worst vision he’d ever seen in someone my age.

“Will I go blind?” I asked

He told me he hoped the deterioration would slow down. But at the time, I was too young for contacts.

So I had to wear goggles during junior footy.

It was rough. If it rained, they’d fog up and I couldn’t see the ball or anything in front of me.

The trainer would constantly run out with a cloth to wipe the fog from my eyes.

Anyway back to 2019.

After my meditation, I went to jump in the shower. I hadn’t put my contacts in; I couldn’t see a thing.

I turned the water on, and the hot water hit me right in the centre of the forehead. It felt amazing.

Standing there, washing my face with my eyes closed… I saw a light.

I froze.

What the fuck is this?

The light roared at me and hit me in the face.

It was golden not just light, but alive.

I couldn’t see it with my normal vision, but it was clear.

There were geometric shapes, all golden, merging and changing into one another.

Then it stopped.

I didn’t move an inch. The water continued to run over me.

And then it came again.

BANG.

This time, it was different. It was the moon.

I was right in front of it.

So close.

It was beautiful just sitting there.

Still. Clear. Soft.

Then it disappeared.

Everything went back to normal.

I opened my eyes and looked around.

What the hell just happened?

I got out of the shower and called my best mate, N.

He wasn’t spiritual but I’d been telling him about all the strange stuff that had been happening to me over the years, and he always accepted my words as truth.

I told him what had happened.

He said, “Fuck… what do you think it means?”

I said, “I don’t know but it felt powerful.”

Then I called the occult teacher I’d been working with. Asked for her guidance.

I told her the whole story and she went silent.

Then she said, “That’s an extremely powerful sign.”

I said, “Really?”

She said, “Yeah…”

We exchanged a few more words and that was it.

We never spoke again.

I didn’t feel any desire to continue working with her.

And I sensed something in her like she felt out of her depth.

Like she’d sensed something in me that I hadn’t yet sensed myself.

She retreated.

I would feel this again and again with “spiritual people” I looked to for guidance.

I’d share a deep experience and they’d pull away.

But I knew I didn’t need to study the occult to get what I needed. Whatever I truly needed would be given to me.

This was the end of my occult studies.