One Way Ticket

Once I woke up and had begun on the path, I can’t count how many times I just wanted to go back to what I knew.

Fuck this, I thought.

I don’t want to wake up. This seems even tougher than what I was going through before.

Mainly, I worried about how I was going to live a somewhat normal life.

What woman would be interested in someone like me?

Who’d want to have children with me?

I didn’t have much in common with the “normal” person anymore.

My inner world, my perception, had radically changed.

Ask anybody who’s been through something similar.

It’s amazing, finding out about this whole new world right in front of your eyes…But you’re still in the world.

You still have to go to work.

You still want friends.

You still want to enjoy all the normal things life has to offer.

I struggled to walk the fine line.

I’m not a half-in, half-out kind of person and I tried to make it work for years.

I realised there was no going back.

But I resisted it.

And resistance brings suffering.

I began to wonder where I was heading.

I had no idea.

I didn’t really have anybody to confide in.

I had guides in books, but no actual person to guide me through what I was going through.

I needed a mentor to see me through.

I still hadn’t fully considered having a guru.

It just never came up as strange as that sounds.

The idea of fully submitting was terrifying.

I’d seen how vulnerable seekers had been taken advantage of.

And I was sure as hell not going to end up at some weird commune with a new name, doing all sorts of bizarre shit, dressed up by people who had no idea themselves.

The only thing that resonated was this:

The truth is somewhere inside me.

And nobody can give it to me.

They could definitely guide me but at some point, I’d have to cross the bridge myself.

I’d have to stand on my own two feet.

One day at a time.

One experience at a time.

I kept going with the feeling there was no end in sight.

The toughest part of the journey.

The one-way ticket.